then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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