the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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