i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
