The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
