we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
