Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
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i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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