Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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