On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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