I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I looked at my own cervix.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
