How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
