i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
