Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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