I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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