i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
