Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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