New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
