my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
