I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
