There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
