We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
