apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Green mimosas i think yes
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
