i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
