She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
