walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
