Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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