If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize