glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
