I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Randomize
