I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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