I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
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My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
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4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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