She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
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How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
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Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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