Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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