Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
