i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
