In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
