Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize