I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
