My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
