Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
