Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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