My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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