I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
