the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
