Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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