I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
