she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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