They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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