Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
