Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
