apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
