life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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