I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
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Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
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Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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