Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
