I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
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Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
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Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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